A year ago this evening, I remember feeling numb, I remember feeling denial, and I remember having one too many glasses of wine to try to skip over the "what if" thoughts going through my mind....A year ago this evening I had to buy a next day ticket out to California to go see my Grandfather, who's state of health blind sighted me. I did what I do in emotional situations, I tried to block it out...I tried to tell myself it was no big deal and that he would be fine... because honestly, I really and truly believed he would be fine.
My brother and his wife had flown in a day before I got there (meeting with my mother and father) and were able to talk to him, laugh with him, see him... while I thought it would be okay to take a flight the following day... not knowing that would be the one decision I would truly live to regret. I have made plenty of mistakes in my life... but none have I regretted like this one... I could have laughed with him one more time, I could've looked into his stark blue eyes one more time... Instead I waited... and although he waited (eyes closed- unable to speak) for me to get there to say goodbye...my mother sitting by his side telling him to hold on for me to get there... I still wish I could've said a few more things to the most important person in my life...
Tomorrow will be the 1 year anniversary of his death... and although I cry about him still... The deep pain I had for so long has slowly eased up. Losing him was one thing I never thought my family or myself would get through, but day by day, the pain lifts, and the wonderful memories of Skee Nelson sink in deeper. He was such a rockstar...and his death was honestly so sudden. One can not prepare themselves for loss, it hits you like a ton of bricks... but through out this year, I have been able to talk about him and remember why it was he was such an amazing human being, and let myself try, just a little, to see life how he saw it. I have said goodbye to a lot of the little things (drama) I dwelled upon so often... I started appreciating life... and the wonderful things in my life.
Tomorrow I will be with my family, as I was a year a go on this day. It will be hard to see the pain in my mother's eyes... This past year was the most difficult on her. She watched my Grandfather battle through so many things... and to see her marine father lose a battle before her very eyes devastated her and still does today. I hope that tomorrow we are able to be happy and thankful for eachother and remember a great man that left the earth too early....
I guess the pain I still feel comes from me thinking about him being afraid and not being ready to leave... that is where most of my pain still stems from. He couldn't believe that the doc finding cancer in his shoulder, after everything he had been through, was going to be it. That is what hurts still... that is when it gets hard to sleep at night...but I feel him in my day to day life...and although I am not a religious person by any means (sorry Grandpa), I know he is the one helping to ease that pain that sits in the bottom of my stomach...
When my Grandpa passed...I wanted to do something that would ensure I would never lose sight of the way he lived his life, and remind myself how to live (to the best of my ability) like he did. He saw the world as beautiful...he saw every person who crossed his path as beautiful...hell, he would send me newspaper clippings of super models saying "You look just like this!" because he thought I was beautiful. Although my grandpa probably wouldn't be thrilled I got a pretty visible tattoo... I figured it was the best way for me to remember to see the world as he did... "beautifully so..." On my 27th birthday I got that tattooed on my arm...to remember him, and remember the kind of heart he had.
There aren't too many people in the world that lived as he did...and I know I am far from it, but this tattoo has comforted me a bit... made me feel that he is with me and he is reminding me what is important and to enjoy life.
So, I wouldn't say "time heals all," but I would certainly say it helps. I will never get over the loss of Skee...but I feel less pain and more comfort now than I did 8, 7, 6 months ago... I look forward to seeing my mother (who acquired her strong heart and her glowing personality from him) and my father, and remembering him again...there will be tears of course....but I am glad we get to be together (sorry Trav and Steph), and remember him as a family and celebrate a good man...which by the way..are pretty damn hard to come by these days. I love you Grandpa and I will never forget you... please don't be mad about the tat :)
